By Mickey Z
Before we get to 2076, first things first: Hail Obama, our brilliant, articulate, eloquent, half-black savior and prince.
Okay, so maybe St. Barack is a tad less progressive than we imagined but you have to admit he’s brilliant and eloquent and half-black. And c’mon, folks, he’s not even in office yet. Give the poor guy a chance. Once he’s in, we’ll hold his feet to the fire and make real progress. We’ll get permits to hold weekend protests (with none of those nasty anarchists invited) and we’ll give voice to the voiceless…in our designated free speech zones, of course. President Obama will hear us, I’m sure. He’ll prove there is a difference between the two parties. After all, you can’t tell me you didn’t shed a tear when you saw all those young people celebrating in the streets. The youth have spoken! The future has arrived! Bushism is dead!!! Let’s rejoice!!! Let’s sing along with Ani DiFranco’s amazing new song, “Yes We Can”!!!
In fact, I’m willing to go out on a limb right now and boldly predict that by the year 2011, the number of US combat troops in Iraq will have decreased by at least 10-15%. To those who want more, I ask: We can’t expect Obama to simply withdraw those brave, heroic, gallant, valiant, superhuman men and women in one shot, can we? No way, there’s no cut and run for America. (And remember: we wouldn’t be in this mess if that damn egotistical Ralph Nader hadn’t ruined everything in 2000. He shouldn’t be allowed to run. Make it illegal, I say.)
At least Obama is forming a strong centrist coalition. “A team of rivals,” they say. Some may nitpick and point out that every single appointee is a Washington retread who supported the war and could’ve just as easily been chosen by John McCain had he won, but Obama is clearly in charge and he’s brilliant. He makes the decisions, and he’s so articulate. He promised hope and change and, being that he’s so eloquent, I’m positive he will deliver. It would be negative, bitter, and cynical to think otherwise. In fact, anyone not thrilled with the historic election of a half-black man should not be allowed to breathe our precious oxygen. (Ain’t that right, Tim Wise?)
Looking ahead, we’ll have bumps in the road (like many years of recession, escalation of the war on Afghanistan and subsequent blowback, reinstitution of the military draft, drastic cuts in social programs, an ongoing policy of torture and extra-judicial trials, the use of US troops to quell dissent by US citizens on US soil, to name but a few) but I’m confident we’ll have the brilliant, inspirational Obama in office until 2016…followed by America’s first female president–Hillary Clinton–until 2024. Hooray!!!!! What a proud moment for the world’s greatest nation. Gender equality is ours!!! No more patriarchy!!!
Sure, those mean Republicans may steal an election or two. They may even stage one of those infamous false flag operations that a Democrat would never participate in. But we’ll prevail. We will prevail. Progressive values will never die and no slimy Republican or more-radical-than-thou nihilist can tell me different. I have faith. I have hope. I believe. I read The Nation and Z Magazine. I watch Jon Stewart and Rachel Maddow. I leave comments at Daily Kos. I’m part of the solution, pal. If you’re not with me, you’re against me!!! This is change I can believe in!!! How about you?
As this century progresses, we’re bound to see the first Hispanic-American president, the first Asian-American president, the first indigenous-disabled-transgender-atheist-undocumented-communist president and who knows what other proud breakthroughs lie ahead for the land of the free and home of the brave? Maybe we’ll cut emissions by 2-3%, the minimum wage will rise by at least 25 cents, and being a loyal American consumer will be so much easier when that national ID card becomes mandatory.
What’s that you say? 10,000 gallons of gasoline are burned in the US every second? We’re losing 200,000 acres of rain forest every 24 hours? 2.2 billion pounds of pesticides are used by Americans each year? 100 plant or animal species go extinct each day? 81 tons of mercury are emitted into the atmosphere each year as a result of electric power generation? Every square mile of ocean hosts 46,000 pieces of floating plastic? 13 million tons of toxic chemicals released across the globe each and every day? 70,000 new chemical compounds have been invented and dispersed into our environment since 1950? There will be no glaciers left in Glacier National Park by 2030? The Arctic region expected to have its first completely ice-free summer in 2040? Coastal glaciers in Greenland thinning by 3 feet per year? 90% of the large fish in the ocean are already gone? 80% of the world’s forest are already gone? Every two seconds, a human being starves to death and 29,158 children under the age of five die from preventable causes every single day?
Slow down, Mr. Negative. Don’t bum me out with your pessimistic stats and unconstructive attitude. You’re full of bad news but you never offer a solution. You have no plan. We have a plan–a plan that comes equipped with its own soaring oratory, a plan named Barack Obama. Besides, it’s always best to focus on the positive and not dwell in gloom and doom. How else can we maintain the hope we need to make a difference? How else can we each become the change we wish to see in the world? How else can we justify our Obama worship?
Sure, some things are a little messed up but I deeply sense in my heart of hearts that change will come. It will come slowly, but it will come!!! By the time we get to that all-important 2076 election, true radicals will finally be able to vote their conscious. At long last, we’ll have a president that the people (well, the few people that are still alive) can support without compromise. No more lesser evil. No more hold your nose and vote. Nope, stay tuned for 2076, folks. Democracy, peace, justice, and solidarity will be ours on America’s 300th birthday…and it all begins on January 20, 2009 with our very own brilliant, eloquent, half-black Pope of Hope!!!
I’ll see you in the future…