The end of the world is coming.<\/p>\n
And you\u2019re gonna need food. A lot of food.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s where Jim Bakker comes in.<\/p>\n
Yes, that<\/i> Jim Bakker\u2013as in Jim and Tammy Faye and \u201cThe PTL Club\u201d television empire.<\/p>\n
Yes, the selfsame Jim Bakker who, at the time of his epic fall from grace, seemed to embody all those deeply Christian and quintessentially American values broadcast globally by that fascinating genus of human being we call \u201cthe televangelist.\u201d<\/p>\n
Their holy trinity\u2013a tax-free entrepreneurial spirit, a convenient confusion of \u201cpraying on\u201d with \u201cpreying upon\u201d and a devout belief that devout belief is a God-given market opportunity\u2013keeps them rolling in clover<\/a> until they inevitably get caught<\/a> rolling in the hay.<\/p>\n But, as self-described \u201csinners<\/a>\u201d perpetually washed in the blood of a radical, 2000 year-old rabbi, they\u2019ve always got the ultimate get-out-of-moral-peril-for-free card tucked up their finely-tailored sleeves. For the upwardly mobile Evangelical, forgiveness is always at hand.<\/p>\n So, emulating the classic Christian motif, Jim has done his time and he\u2019s risen again<\/a> to take to the airwaves. Now re-married to another bubbly-blonde co-host<\/a>, he\u2019s once-again spreading the word of God.<\/p>\n Well, he\u2019s willing to spread the word of God, if you are willing to spread his \u201cfavorite\u201d soy-nut butter<\/a>.<\/p>\n That\u2019s just one of the hard bargains Jim\u2019s driving in his new incarnation as survivalist food pitchman. In fact, Jim\u2019s got a whole catalog of foodstuffs that he is willing to \u201cgive\u201d you as a \u201cthank you\u201d in return for your \u201clove gift<\/a>\u201d to his \u201cministry.\u201d<\/p>\n Forget those bland, chintzy wafers the Catholics are handing out. The menu for your \u201cgift\u201d of \u201clove\u201d can be quite tasty. And remunerative.<\/p>\n Jesus turned water into wine for free, but Jim is turning it into carrot juice<\/a> for $35.00.<\/p>\n Forget loaves and fishes. How about chips and salsa<\/a>? It only \u201ccosts\u201d $65.00 to feed the multitudes (at your next Super Bowl party).<\/p>\n Yes, miracles are hard to come by, but your \u201cact of love\u201d will bring back a sampler box<\/a> of Jim\u2019s favorite miracle food\u2013\u201cSalba<\/a>\u201d\u2013for a mere $100.00.<\/p>\n Now, this proposition may seem decidedly outside the generally-accepted practice of \u201creligion\u201d and, more directly, in violation of the highly profitable tax exemption<\/a> afforded to various practitioners of the \u201cspiritual arts\u201d here in the good ol\u2019 US of A. But fret not, oh ye of little faith\u2013there is a \u201creligious\u201d connection to this de facto<\/i> supermarket Jim\u2019s running via a website and daily television show. You see, all this food is meant to prepare you for the days of woe<\/a> foretold in the Book of Revelations.<\/p>\n This is not a simple matter of exchanging your \u201clove\u201d for \u201cthank you\u201d gifts.<\/p>\n No, Jim\u2019s food is designed to prepare you for the End of the World as we know it. But you and your family will feel fine. Or, at the very least, you will face the coming of the Antichrist on a full stomach.<\/p>\n And what better way to prepare for the impending \u201cTime of Trouble\u201d than with buckets of food?<\/p>\n Seriously. Actual buckets of food<\/a>.<\/p>\n Buckets that don\u2019t have his name on \u2019em.<\/p>\n Why? Jim says the absence of his name will protect you from the derision and hatred that would most assuredly come if your neighbors saw \u201cJim Bakker\u201d emblazoned all over the survivalist larder you\u2019re assembling in your basement.<\/p>\n Now, that\u2019s some truth on non-advertising.<\/p>\n Imagine the ridicule\u2013particularly if you tell friends and neighbors that you gave Jim $1,000.00<\/a> of your hard-earned \u201clove\u201d for ten buckets of dehydrated black bean burger.<\/p>\n In fact, you can spend up to $3,000 (donation + shipping) on a massive \u201cTime of Trouble<\/a>\u201d kit that will keep for years and, when the holy water hits the fan, will provide you and yours 7,675 servings of dehydrated food to see you through to the triumphant return of the Lord as he finally invites his faithful flock to join him on his elevator to eternity.<\/p>\n And the elevator is coming, my friends. The signs are manifold. The trick, according to Jim<\/a>, is to know what it all means. On his blog, Jim writes: \u201cOne of the dangers of the End Times is hearing so much and understanding so little.\u201d<\/p>\n Truer words have rarely been written.<\/p>\n So, rather than \u201cunderstanding\u201d all that science about extreme weather and climate change, Jim wants you to know<\/a> that the tornadoes in Oklahoma and hurricanes like Katrina are the direct result of American policies toward Israel. In fact, the deadly tornado in Moore came shortly and suspiciously after President Obama appeared with Turkey\u2019s Prime Minister and called for a two-state solution to the plight of the Palestinians.<\/p>\n The persecution of believers is another flashing sign of the Apocalypse. Enter the IRS. They targeted Franklin Graham. Even worse, the IRS went after \u201cGod\u2019s People\u201d by targeting pro-Israeli groups\u2013and, says Jim, God doesn\u2019t like it. Expect more climatologically-expressed displeasure from the Almighty.<\/p>\n These are \u201charbingers,\u201d which also happens to be the title of a book<\/a> written by Jim\u2019s other favorite rabbi. In it, Rabbi Jonathan Cahn (pronounced \u201cCon\u201d) details the ways America is just like Israel of the Old Testament. Amping up Christian Zionism, Cahn\u2019s perfect pitch deftly exploits<\/a> many Protestants\u2019 long-standing envy of God\u2019s special preference for Jews as his Chosen People. According to Cahn<\/a>, not only is Passover a suitable holiday for Christians, but \u201c\u2026if you are Born Again, you are a citizen of Israel.\u201d Even better, says Cahn, if you are Born Again \u201c\u2026you are as Jewish as I am!\u201d<\/p>\n Can\u2019t you just see the mayo on the knishes?<\/p>\n If that\u2019s not a sign of the Apocalypse, what is?<\/p>\n How about Bee Colony Collapse Disorder? Jim weighed in on dying bees<\/a>, which he (of course) calls \u201cBee-mageddon.\u201d Talking at length about the massive decline in bee populations, Jim never mentioned pesticides or the EU\u2019s ban on neonicotinoids. Rather, this is all part of the coming lack of food foretold in Matthew 24:7.<\/p>\n Which offers a perfect segue into a pitch for his buckets of food. And it is a perfect diversion from the hard truths and scientific realities of the world as it is<\/i> rather than how it was<\/i> for ancient tribesmen living in a magical world of competing gods, supernatural events, severe misogyny and ritual sacrifice. In that ancient world, God sanctioned genocide (more than once<\/a>), manipulated history, chose sides and appointed mere mortals as his proxies on earth.<\/p>\n Today, those self-appointed and self-aggrandizing proxies are the real harbingers of catastrophe. They keep too many Americans locked in the darkened, candlelit world of Creationism, clinging to anti-scientific tropes and hypnotized by a bizarre affixation<\/a> of ruthless capitalism to God\u2019s will. They are slow-motion suicide bombers armed with a self-fulfilling prophecy that divorces humanity from the despoiling of the planet and embraces the world\u2019s end as a welcomed event.<\/p>\n Progress on climate, circumspection about two centuries of messianic imperialism and concern for the environmental consequences of human greed\u2013these do not factor into the whiz-bang millenarianism of Christian fundamentalists. In fact, the worse it gets, the more evidence they see of God\u2019s action-packed plan for a big finish to the whole of history.<\/p>\n And until that day comes, my friends, Jim Bakker will be collecting the profits of doom.<\/p>\n JP Sottile<\/strong>\u00a0is a freelance journalist, published historian, radio co-host and documentary filmmaker (The Warning, 2008). His credits include a stint on the Newshour news desk, C-SPAN, and as newsmagazine producer for ABC affiliate WJLA in Washington. His weekly show, Inside the Headlines w\/ The Newsvandal, co-hosted by James Moore, airs every Friday on KRUU-FM in Fairfield, Iowa. He blogs under the pseudonym \u201cthe Newsvandal<\/a>\u201c.<\/em><\/p>\n