{"id":249025,"date":"2016-06-10T16:05:54","date_gmt":"2016-06-10T16:05:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/rinf.com\/alt-news\/newswire\/rocking-the-hipster-vote\/"},"modified":"2016-06-10T16:05:54","modified_gmt":"2016-06-10T16:05:54","slug":"rocking-the-hipster-vote","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/rinf.com\/alt-news\/newswire\/rocking-the-hipster-vote\/","title":{"rendered":"Rocking the Hipster Vote"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

My last article about the San Jose Peoples\u2019 Liberation\u00a0Egg Throwing Squad garnered quite a few emails. And now in the newspaper, it appears that Bernie Sanders is unable to put out the fires on his numbers one, two, three, and\u00a0four engines and his campaign is going down in flames. People are saying, \u201cGosh, it looks like we might have to throw our support behind Hillary. No! Really? Do you think? I couldn\u2019t have predicted that without the Magic Eight Ball!<\/p>\n

Let me guess\u2026Hillary will probably find a place for Bernie in her campaign. And then that\u2019ll pull in all the young hipsters that were supporting Bernie when they weren\u2019t out throwing eggs at the cops in San Jose. What a waste of good eggs. I could have made a chef\u2019s salad with those.\u00a0Hillary has to find a way to appeal to the hipsters besides being, uh, what was the attraction again? I don\u2019t get it, honestly. See, hipsters generally run around priding themselves on being so non-conformist but when it comes to voting, they seem to be tied to the Democrats by the laces of their Doc Martens.<\/p>\n

You know, fads sweep through the hipster community like a wildfire in a sustainably logged forest. By the way, those fires can\u2019t be put out with harvested rainwater from your household tank. I\u2019ve seen them all. Back in the day when I got tattoos (yeah, yeah, spare me the questions), they tended to alarm people no matter what bird they were. Nowadays, everyone has got them. People say, \u201cDo you regret those?\u201d And I say unto them, \u201cOnly so far as everyone is getting them now. Other than that, no.\u201d<\/p>\n

I find myself often amazed at what passes for \u201cculture\u201d in this nation, but even more puzzled by what passes for a \u201csubculture\u201d or \u201ccounterculture\u201d.\u00a0If these people don\u2019t realize it\u2019s all coming from Wall Street marketing groups, then they\u2019ve been\u00a0ingesting far too much Salvia Divinorum. And if they don\u2019t realize the Democrats tap into that, then they don\u2019t remember Bill Clinton\u2019s presidential campaign. But of course, they don\u2019t. Many of these hipsters weren\u2019t born yet. There was Bill, rocking the vote with his shades and saxophone. It wasn\u2019t a campaign, it was a music video. I think you can find the soundtrack now at used bookstores.<\/p>\n

Look, kiddies, Papa Jack will be more than happy to write for you the next counterculture trend in exchange for twenty pounds of good Balkan\/Oriental pipe tobacco, a couple new briar pipes, a new canvas backpack, a good canvas vest with pockets, and some other sundries that cannot be taxed as income. Yes, let\u2019s call them donations. In exchange, not only do I provide the new counterculture trend, but I absolve you of any responsibility to vote for Hillary Clinton. You can have your local print shop run off some bumper stickers that say \u201cPapa Jack Says: Friends Don\u2019t Let Friends Vote For Hillary\u2014Or Anyone Else\u201d. You can slap them on your battered Subaru or cherished VW Bug and then you\u2019ll really be bucking the trend.<\/p>\n

That Hillary is going to sweep up people that usually claim they think outside the box (of organic ding-dongs, I guess), is an obvious conclusion. These people sure do follow the leader like automated robots, albeit ones with dreadlocks dyed purple. Hey, look, I think everyone should look different. I mean, I\u2019m the only guy in Tucson here walking around wearing knee-high snake-proof boots and a\u00a0kufi, after all. But people, really, must we all vote like we\u2019re somehow betraying the cause if we don\u2019t? Have you not discovered the \u201ccause\u201d is a farce of comical proportions that not even a Jerry Lewis slapstick could have predicted? Cause? What cause?\u00a0Supposing there\u2019s a cause assumes we have a government worthy enough to devote attention to \u201cchanging\u201d. Speaking of which, did any of you folks notice this Hillary worked for the LAST GUY talking about \u201cchange\u201d?<\/p>\n

I mean, this is as easy to predict as the sunshine in the desert during summer. The only thing that might shock me slightly is if Hillary doesn\u2019t pull Bernie into her campaign. She needs him for the Hipster Vote so they\u2019ll all sit outside the natural foods store and disc golf\u00a0events gathering people to register as Democrats and vote for Hillary.\u00a0I\u00a0wouldn\u2019t have put it past the two of them to have even planned it as drama. Bernie will probably do a rousing \u201crally the troops\u201d speech like Eisenhower allegedly did for the troops heading into the mass\u00a0human sacrifice\u00a0of D-Day.\u00a0Here to save civilization and microgreens salads and who knows? Maybe Hillary will throw him a bone and there will be a HillarySchool \u201cfree college\u201d system like our ObamaCare \u201cfree\u201d health care system. Gosh, I can\u2019t wait. I\u2019m eagerly awaiting that degree in sustainable board game manufacturer I\u2019ve been dreaming of. I\u2019ll be the first to invent a \u201cGreen\u201d Parcheesi set.<\/p>\n

These people get snookered every time. You could set your clock by it. A cuckoo clock. Every four years, the clock announces more scruffy young hipsters believe what the Democratic Party tells them to be so, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Excuse me, oh quinoa eating ones, but did Obama really deliver what he told you back in 2008? How, then, will Hillary deliver what Obama did not, Kerry and Gore\u00a0didn\u2019t have a chance to wiggle out of delivering, and Hillary\u2019s erstwhile husband didn\u2019t even deliver\u00a0back before you were wearing eco-friendly diapers? I know, I know, \u201cJack is such a drag, man! He\u2019s always got to be such a downer!\u201d Yeah, well, sorry, but we all can\u2019t make purses from \u201cfree-cycled jeans\u201d. Not that there\u2019s anything wrong with that. I have one that has been mustered into service as a tobacco wallet. But I\u2019m still not rocking any votes because I learned it\u2019s just the same old tune from 1992. I can\u2019t dance to it.<\/p>\n

So, hey, knock yourselves out. I don\u2019t vote because I\u2019m uncool and I\u2019m a drag as far as petition-gatherers are concerned. I\u2019m just some aging dude who has finally lost any interest in participating in anything the government seeks my participation in. It isn\u2019t disillusionment so much as it is disinterest and detachment. Among other things, the entire government bores me. While it is entertaining to criticize them, to actually listen to them with no intention of laughter seems to me a wasted effort. I say, let\u2019s record the speeches of Hillary and start beaming them to all quadrants of outer space. We\u2019ll never need to worry about an invasion from outer space. They\u2019ll quarantine this planet for 25,000 years as a hotbed of possibly contagious stupidity.<\/p>\n

The Best of Jack Perry<\/a><\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n

Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My last article about the San Jose Peoples\u2019 Liberation\u00a0Egg Throwing Squad garnered quite a few emails. And now in the newspaper, it appears that Bernie Sanders is unable to put out the fires on his numbers one, two, three, and\u00a0four engines and his campaign is going down in flames. People are saying, \u201cGosh, it looks […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[519],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-249025","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-newswire"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/rinf.com\/alt-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/249025","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/rinf.com\/alt-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/rinf.com\/alt-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/rinf.com\/alt-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/rinf.com\/alt-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=249025"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/rinf.com\/alt-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/249025\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/rinf.com\/alt-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=249025"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/rinf.com\/alt-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=249025"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/rinf.com\/alt-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=249025"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}