Sex jokes and Corbyn gags

Theresa May cast aside her usually gawky shackles and discovered her comedic side at the Westminster Correspondents Dinner. She took aim at Corbyn, referenced her infamous ‘fields of wheat’ moment, and even slipped in a sex joke.

May has faced criticism as prime minister for both her robotic demeanor and her unruly cabinet. Killing two birds with one stone, she took her own ministers to task… in a tongue-in-cheek way, of course.

The UK PM joked at the dinner that she called a snap general election in 2017 merely to avoid making a speech to journalists. She jibed that she may do the same again this Easter.

“I was looking forward to this event so much that I called a general election to get out of it,” she told audiences, stunned at the PM’s new-found funny side. “But I can’t pull that stunt two years in a row. Or can I? I am, after all, going walking in Wales at Easter.”

Taking on the Tory’s failed attempt to become social-media savvy, May took aim at Matt Hancock’s notorious app – on which you can keep updated on all of Hancock’s shenanigans and report issues within his electorate.

“So enthusiastic is Matt for the UK’s digital future that I think he has transcended into a higher state of existence,” May said. “He’s thrown off the bonds of flesh and blood. Matt Hancock actually is now an app. He only talks to me by way of alarming phone notifications… ‘Matt Hancock would like to track your location.’ ‘Matt Hancock would like to access your photos’ – and most worryingly of all, ‘There is a fault with Matt Hancock.’

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 © Darren Staples

“Other ministers are following his lead. The Boris Johnson app is great for extending your vocabulary, but it does contain some adult content. The Philip Hammond app is like a drier, less frivolous version of LinkedIn… Tonight I can reveal that I am working on my own app. It provides GPS directions to your nearest wheat field, real-time tracking of Priti Patel’s air travel, and the instant allocation of all household chores into girl jobs and boy jobs.”

She took also took a swipe at her rival, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn. The Islington North MP has recently been accused of having met with communist spies in the 80s, but we’re sure that had nothing to do with May’s choice of gag.

“Last year, cinema goers were wowed by a brilliant film by the makers of ‘The Thick Of It’ and ‘Veep’ called ‘The Death of Stalin,’” May said. “It told the story of an ageing socialist demagogue who maintains his power through a sinister personality cult, rewriting history and crushing all internal descent. I know we’re all very sorry that Jeremy Corbyn can’t be here tonight.”

The Conservative leader also highlighted the absence of her predecessor David Cameron. “The weather has been rather bad in West Oxfordshire and sadly David couldn’t make it because he is snowed in to his wheely shed,” she said, harking back to the time the ex-PM spent a whopping £25,000 ($34,300) on a “luxury hut” for his Cotswolds garden. Cameron planned to use the garden shed on wheels as a writing studio.

“But I was able to catch up with David over the phone and, as ever, he had some excellent advice – don’t worry about Boris, don’t worry about the chancellor, worry about ambitious female home secretaries… Lovely to see you tonight, Amber,” May continued, nodding to the home secretary.

Soon, the jokes leaned to the bawdier side of humor with a gag that no one saw coming, as the prime minister tried her hand at a sex joke… and it went surprisingly well.

“I remember in my time as a politician, one canvassing trip particularly that sticks in my memory,” she said. “I was at the open door of a caravan and there was clearly some activity within, so I knocked and there was no answer but the activity persisted. It looked like it was someone lying down so I knocked again.

“Again, there was no reply so I put my head around the door and there was indeed somebody lying down. It was not one person, it was two, and it was not the best time to ask them if they were going to vote Conservative. I have to say they were giving a whole new meaning to ‘deep and special partnership.’”

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Via RT. This piece was reprinted by RINF Alternative News with permission or license.