NEW YORK—If you’re having a gay wedding, and your cake has been baked by a man who thinks gay marriage is an abomination against God, do not eat the cake.
I’m surprised I have to tell you this.
People like myself are in no danger at all because we learned years ago to never eat the wedding cake.
Quick digression for all men who hate weddings as much as I do: Volunteer to park the cars. It’s less boring than the reception, it makes you late for everything (“Sorry, I was parking the latecomers”), and the family thinks you’re a selfless dependable friend. You can also smoke.
But apparently, Charlie Craig and David Mullins didn’t get the memo, because when they walked into the Masterpiece Cakeshop in Lakewood, Colorado, in 2012 and met devout Christian owner Jack Phillips, they thought what was being discussed was just a cake.
Actually, to be precise, I think Charlie thought it was just a cake, but David had all his wedding-day fantasies tied up in the perfect symbolic cake, so much so that when they were turned away by Phillips because “That’s just a cake that I can’t do,” David broke down in tears in the parking lot. The Michelangelo of Colorado Cake-itecture had shattered David’s dreams like freezer-hardened icing hurled against a steel girder.
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Wedding Cake Drama is nothing new, of course, and there have probably been at least a million prospective husbands who have said, “Let’s not make a federal case out of what kind of cake we have at the wedding,” but until now they were speaking metaphorically. Charlie and David, on the other hand, went to the Colorado Civil Rights Commission and got a judgment against Jack for…