Superman Goes Bad, Joins the NSA
June 19, 2013

Would you let Superman spy on you in the shower? The NSA may already have the ability to do so.

As Obama fights to grant millions of illegal immigrants amnesty, there’s one alien he wouldn’t mind heading up his domestic surveillance outfit.

Superman’s superhuman abilities make him more than qualified to head up the NSA, the intelligence agency which was recently revealed to be downloading information “directly” from the central servers of Facebook, Google, Apple and Microsoft, among others, under a spy operation called PRISM.

While Superman’s superhuman intelligence may or may not mean he’s skilled enough to hack into critical infrastructure computer databases, his super speed could likely aid the NSA’s daily collection of millions of Verizon customers’ call data.

His super-hearing empowers him to listen in on millions of people’s phone calls, meaning the government could have forgone obtaining a secret Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court (FISA) order granting the FBI “unlimited authority to obtain the data for a specified three-month period ending on July 19,” according to The Guardian.

Superman can also tune into specific sounds, and could possibly have supported the Department of Justice in monitoring Associated Press journalists’ phone calls, as we learned happened earlier this year in response to the AP’s publishing of a report on a failed Yemeni bomb plot.

His ability to see through walls would be beneficial in the hunt for NSA arch-nemesis Edward Snowden, the 29-year-old Booz Allen Hamilton contractor responsible for leaking what many in government consider sensitive, classified data.

Indeed, the Man of Steel’s x-ray vision and power of flight would be a comparable substitute for the drones former Congressman Ron Paul speculated could be used to find and “neutralize” the NSA leaker.

His superhuman powers would even give NSA partner Microsoft’s much-hyped and anticipated spy apparatus, the Xbox One, a run for its money.

The new console’s extra-sensitive microphones will constantly listen for you to give it commands, and can individually discern your voice from your friends.

The new Xbox will be sold with a new Kinect motion-sensing device that will be required to be plugged in to operate the console. Its high-definition camera creates a model of your human skeleton and can track you moving about in your home, leading many to infer that it will be able to know when you’re in the shower. As an added creepy bonus, Kinect will watch your eyes to make sure you’re engaged in ads or shows, and will be able to read your heartbeat just by looking at you.

The U.S. presidency has already taken some pointers from the son of Jor-El.

Hailing from the planet Krypton, Superman is naturally endowed with an incredible healing factor, enabling him to quickly mend his wounds, just like our presidential administrations quickly heal themselves from innumerable scandals through media spin.

His knack for disguise is also a trait most presidential administrations have already emulated. Just as Superman’s alter-ego Clark Kent allows him to travel the streets unnoticed, Obama also hides his criminal activity in plain sight.