Right-Wing Billionaire Idiots Reveal List of Members and Give The Rest of Us Companies To Boycott

A group of right-wing American billionaires, herded together by the notorious Koch brothers, recently made a big gaffe at their Palm Springs conference. Someone left behind a list of attendees and donors. An alert chamber maid found it and turned it over to left-wing publication Mother Jones. The list exposes some of the wealthiest men and women in the country for who they really are: the greediest, most ruthless, least compassionate, and most hateful people on the planet. They are anti-union, anti-affordable health care, homophobic, anti-minimum wage, anti-middle class, and anti-choice. In other words, they despise the other 99.9% of us. They do not want us to live long, healthy lives. They do not want us to make a living wage. They do not want us to have access to contraceptives, yet they won’t allow us to have abortions either. They block alternative energy options. They help elect mean-spirited, narrow-minded sociopaths to carry out these policies so that they can hold onto their power over us.

Among those on the list are John Schnatter, owner of Papa John’s Pizza; Dick Weiss of Wells Capital Management; Debra Waller, CEO of Jockey underwear; Dan Kirby of Kirby Financial; Fred Klipsch of Klipsch speakers and headphones; Richard Kayne of Kayne Anderson Capital Advisers; Jamie Coulter of Lone Star Steakhouse; Charles Chandler of Intrust Bank of Wichita; John Griffin of Blue Ridge Capital hedge fund; Robert Rowling, founder of Gold’s Gym and Omni Hotels; Tina and Craig Snider, the family that owns Comcast and the Philadelphia Flyers hockey team; and Dick Haworth of Haworth office furniture.

Much of the wealth on this list is inherited, and most of their money is spent on causes which make 99.9% of our lives harder, more restrictive, and less manageable. But there are things we commoners can take comfort in: First–know with certainty that these greedy bastards will one day be forever consigned to the fires of Hell, for they commit all of the Seven Sins that Gandhi warned us about: pleasure without conscience, wealth without work, knowledge without character; commerce without morality; science without humanity; worship without sacrifice; and politics without principle.

Second–we can boycott their products. Well, at least most of them. We don’t have the money to buy into their evil hedge funds. But we can certainly stop eating Papa John’s pizzas; I find them sloppy, doughy, inedible messes anyway. (It did my heart good when Papa John’s shill Peyton Manning got his comeuppance in the Super Bowl.) We can avoid Lone Star steakhouse; my god, their crappy steaks are as tough as John Boehner’s leathery hide anyhow. Those of us who can afford to travel can stop staying at rat-infested Omni Hotels. We can start wearing Fruit-of-the-Looms rather than those cheaply made Jockey shorts. We can stop buying Klipsch’s overpriced speakers. And we can root for the Philadelphia Flyers to finish last in the league.